Rambling Of New Beginings

It's been months since I've posted a blog. I've regretted this and I could give excuses like I've had writer's block or I have been really busy lately. All of those would be true. Yet I still feel like I should be more consistant with this journal. After all, who knows? In a thousand years and I'm dead this may be one of the few records on how life was before our civilazation crumbled. Heaven help the world if one of the surviving documents is my blog, my thoughts.

The window to my soul.

This Post is like a clensing of the mind. To get my creative juices flowing. I am rambling not for the reader's benefit but for my own. I usually like to make posts more intellectual so the reader can walk away thinking. That's what my goal has been all along. To open a mind and let new ideas flood in. Whether they agree or disagree is irrelevent. I've always wanted to shed a bit of perspective on issues just to see if I could change a mind or fortify a belief. I've tried to stay away from a "Facebook Blog". Not that I'm dissin' those. It's your blog do what you want. But I want my writing to mean something.

As J-Cole said "Show how far we've come and how far we still have to go."

I feel like the creative "rut" I've been in is due to the all of the things that are going on. So I figure if I ramble a little bit, that writing will be easier. After all, words appeared on the "paper" when I decided to write a post tonight.

I'm on my own now. Moved out of the parent's house, away from my hometown, away from  the vast majority of my friends. I'm cool with it I got two excellent room mates. They are known as the Infamous Matt Hale, and Jake Thomas. If I could describe one word for the two what better word would be "Excellent"? I feel like this whole new start for me is like a page out of someone else's life. While the apartment does feel like a safe haven from whatever the world throws at me, it doesn't feel home. Then again my home didn't feel like home. I feel like I'm a nomad. A wanderer. It's not a bad thing really. I take things day by day. Soon I'm sure that I will tire of this, and make a move to better my life. But right now I'm content. I got a faithful girlfriend, good friends that I can actually stand to live with-without the urge to shoot them in the head-and I have independence. This is one of the least structured blogs I've ever written. Yet I feel like it's one of my most mature. Because I feel more mature.

That makes all the difference.

P.S. I enjoy RingPops.

Laughter Is The Cure

Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.

Allen Klein 

Sometimes you know how a day will be the moment you wake up. Sometimes you will wake up in the most horrible mood and you know the days just going to suck nuts. In my experience a event usually triggers it, I wake up late for work or I slam my head on something when I finally get the nerve to pull myself out of bed.  Other times it can sneak up on you when you are having a good day. But regardless I am lucky enough to have friends that will cheer me up. I work at Mcdonald's and despise every minute of it  there were times when my friends would take my spot just so I could go get a five minute breather and smoke a cig. Now they know I would do the same but its really cool when my friends see me get agitated and want to help. I digress. I was thinking about all of this, how I hate work but when we all finish our closing and get off the clock and go to take our ritual smoke. (we all stand around in circles and smoke cigarettes, except Zach who smokes black and milds.) When we get to that point the mood of the Mcdonald's night crew shifts instantly. We could be in the most terrible mood, but we all start just joking and we usually cheer each other up. It's because we all have survived again. One more shift. We crack jokes because a lot of the time thats how we cope with our perspective situations. I believe to survive in this world it is necessary to have a sense of humor. Otherwise the world would be a dull, boring, and somewhat miserable place. Humor adds the color to our dull grey lives. It enables us to deal with situations that would otherwise cripple us.

That is all.

Today was great.

The Problem That Will Never Be Solved

Envy me; Hate me; Rate me. Face it.. You're never gonna be me.

I can't take credit for this. I don't know who said it, but still it applies. I just graduated my seiner year, and I was thinking about my time spent in high school. What I would do differently or what I would do the exact same. The good, the bad, and the ugly times throughout my stint at  Cabot High. I came to the conclusion that with the exception of my study habits I wouldn't change a thing. I would leave everything just as it is. I can't complain. I had some of the best friends a man could ask for. One thing I did notice though, was that high school is a very volatile place. Think about it, most who go are completely unprepared and are surrounded by people who judge them furiously. Now I wasn't the most popular kid in school but I had several friends from all walks of  life. So different people would throw different tabs on me, for example I remember one instance in my sophomore year, I remember it as clear as it was yesterday. I was talking to a friend in my Chemistry class about what we would love to do with our lives after school, what we would major in, or what would be a great profession that suited our personalities to the best of our standards. In passing I said something about how I love history, and how it would be extremely cool if I could be a history teacher. A girl who shall remain nameless turned around and looked dead at me and laughed in my face, and said five words to me:

"You? Be a history teacher?"

I said yeah why not? I could do it. She turned around without another word. Now at the time it didn't bother me. Later on though I got to thinking. Why couldn't I? What made her say that? Then it hit me.

She thought she was better than me.

How she thought she was better than me I'm not really sure. As a person? As a student? I don't really know. Now this was a defining moment in my life. This really bothered me. I couldn't shake the feeling for I don't know how long. That I wasn't anything special. So for a unspecified amount of time I just went about my business wallowing in my own self pity. Then one moment the pity stage passed I just woke up angry. Who was she to say that? She's not a better person than me just because she has straight A's or because she's a virgin, or even because she's never tried drugs. Eventually I got wiser. I stopped being angry, and I just did what I do best. Piss off everybody that sets their prejudices against me. That insecure shell of who I was died and a new me rose out of the ashes. I decided that I will succeed at everything I try at. I consider school a success, because by god I graduated. I also realized that there will be people who are like that everywhere who just love to tear into people unprovoked. I also realized people like me are a problem for those people. Now DO NOT MISTAKE MY CONFIDENCE FOR ARROGANCE. If I fail at something which happens a lot, I will try until I succeed. Depending on how much I care for that particular activity. I still try and I think thats the most important thing. I try to set an example for other insecure people, the way they should act when they see the mythical, dreaded, "hater". Those people will never be happy in life. Because there are people like me who will be that one problem in that hater's life that will never ever be solved.

Truth

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
--Mark Twain 




Unbiased perspective. It's truth when somebody needs it. Brutal unsaturated truth. That's what we all think we want. But the truth is that we don't, we just want to be told everything is alright. In all reality too much of the truth can be a problem. I often wonder if people came with barcodes, and we could scan and see each other's past, most embarrassing moments or darkest secrets.




Would we be as judge-less, and unprejudiced as we always think we would be. 




If I never knew or talked to you before and I can see the worst in secrets you have kept hidden from the world, I wonder if I still would want to keep talking. It's a strange thought. I've always considered myself to be a fair person and I try my best to not judge. Yes, I have cheated. Yes I've tried drugs. No, I wasn't the best student in high school. I make minimum wage. Are these the things that define me? I don't think I want to be defined as a person, or what kind of man I am by my mistakes. In a sense this blog is my barcode. I've so far kept up my promise to give it to you straight from the dome and keep it unfiltered. I will do my best to continue to do so. I think that while yes truth is good and it is a very positive thing, sometimes the truth hurts. But that's life




So here is the sixty-thousand dollar question:




Would we rather live a lie, or live enlightened. Now put like that, of course somebody would always choose the latter. But think about it for a second. Ever heard that saying "Ignorance is bliss" well think of when you were a child. You didn't know very much you were ignorant of the world. Now I know this isn't true for everybody but my childhood days were mostly stress-free, and happy. As I got older I got wiser, and the more problems I had. The more drama I had. Now Buddha reached enlightenment and as far as I can tell he's doing alright. I'm far from enlightened so I wouldn't know. But as I said the truth hurts. I am accustomed to the more wretched side of life, and have found that I can take it. So I guess my answer is yes, I'd rather live enlightened. In my opinion, that's one of life's many choices. 


Have the courage to chase enlightenment, or safely live in the blissful ignorance. Ask yourself what you would do. Like I said it's not a easier answer, and only you can decide what path you can take. 


It's up to you. 

Who Am I?

"I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine."  --Bruce     Lee

 I was reading a couple of my friends' blogs and they all got me thinking. It's strange that people get so intimate with what they write. Understandable In my short term as a blogger I've found myself pouring out a lot of feelings and emotions to it.

It's crazy.

This time last year I would have never thought I would have been the type to do this. It's really fun and a relaxing pass time. I write. and I realize that most of my closest friends don't even know that I have a blog. I haven't told them for no particular reason. I'm not embarrassed or anything. Although most of my friends would probably make fun of me. They're the big manly warrior types who never cry.  They would give me shit about it but in the end would probably admit that what I write relates to them in one way or another. But one thing I have noticed is people have a picture of me.

Of how they expect me to be. They expect me to be some stupid ass muscle head. They expect me to have no intelligence whatsoever. Granted I'm not a genius, not even close. I had three math classes for Christ's sake. But I wasn't beat with a stupid stick neither. People hear me talk with one of my friends about going to
the gym, and I've seen girls look at me like they don't expect me to have abstract thoughts or to have read a book. Ask about me. Chances are the person describing me will give you a 100%  different version of me than how I really am. People think shit don't faze me. I don't try to act like it doesn't, but I've had more practice dealing with bullshit than the average kid my age. So maybe I'm desensitized to it. I've noticed that
I surprise people sometimes. So let me clear it up for you:

Yes, I am a muscle head who loves to go work out
I'm also a nerd who loves everything from harry potter to Lord of the Rings.
Yes, I hated math in class
I also love to read and write.
Yes, I hated being in school.
I also loved the experiences and friends I've made.
Yes, I was a smart ass to the majority of my teachers.
I also appreciated everything they did for me.
Yes, I was a rough around the edges kind of guy.
I also love those close to me dearly.
Yes, I try to be that tough guy who doesn't show his emotion.
I also wear my emotions on my sleeve.
Yes, I've been called a wigger
I also love country, and rock music as well as rap.

I guess there is more to me. I think about all this. I don't get angry when people think I'm that little hoodlum or that stupid ass gym rat, I've even been called a wigger in my time. I just ask that you get to know me before you make a honest assessment of me. I get a nice feeling when I fail to live up to those expectations. When people realize what's up.

So who am I?
Find out for yourself.

Stronger

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”-Lou Tzu

Throughout human history this has been proven time and time again. When tyrants come and terrorize people, there are always those who oppose them. Someone who will fight to protect those they love, to give them the life they never had. I often find myself wondering about the worst possible scenarios and how would I handle them.

I have a vivid imagination.

My worst fear is being a coward, and/or breaking the few principles I have set forth. On my worst days I get really insecure about several different things and I don't know what to do. I fear the unknown. I fear my own future, that I will be stuck in some dead-end job busting my ass so I can make end's meat. I fear that I will amount to nothing. Make nothing out of myself.

Go through life wasting away.

I fear not living just surviving. I get these days quite often. People around me can usually never tell. It feels like a sickness. But then I remember the cure.

I remember those who care about me. That when the chips are down, they will be there. Wrapped around me like a security blanket, I've surrounded  myself with real people. People who will take me as me. Trust me it was easier said than done. Most people are two-face and backstabbers.

If I've ever  learned one thing it's this. Backstabbers only have power when your back is turned.

So those chosen few? They have earned my trust. I trust them with my life and everything I have. So on my bad days I remember those few, and it gives me strength to go on. Strength to better myself and strength to challenge myself. Those chosen few give me the strength to overcome those challenges. I find myself protective over them. To the extreme.

No, I'm not the biggest dog in the cage.
Yes, I will fuck you up if you mess with my team.

I find myself visibly angry if one of my friends is threatened. Most of my friends can take care of  themselves. Although there are the less confident ones. Those I try to help boost there confidence and let them know I am here for them. Now I don't know if they look up to me or anything. Sometimes I feel like they do. I realize that my head swells and I tend to show my ass. I try to keep those moments at a minimum. But I am human. Hopefully though they can see past my bullshit and see the courage and strength they give me. The Strength to deal with my own shit, and the courage to face anything head on for them.

With them I am Stronger. With them nothing can touch me. With them there is not a hard time invented I cannot handle. I don't know if they will read this, but if they do they know who they are. The only thing I got to say is.

Thank you.

On The Surface

Preconceived notions are the locks on the door to wisdom.  ~Merry Browne



I just got back from Wal-mart. I was looking for new headphones for the ipod as I was in desperate need  for music. As I walked around for a bit I finally got what I had came for. In the check out line I noticed a old man staring at me. We didn't exchange words, 


We didn't have too. He didn't like what he saw. 


The look of distaste was very clear on his face.


I was trying to figure out what I had done to this man, maybe I cut him in the line or something. I tried striking a conversation just to make small talk and to maybe disarm him a little bit. In my most polite tone of voice made mention of the weather we were having. Original I know.  But if isn't broken why fix it. 


Nothing. He stared at me. 


Now I was confused but okay, I will go about my business. Then he spoke to me.
"Back in my day we wouldn't be caught dead in them nigger clothes." 


Whoah. He just went there.


Now to paint a image in your head I had a shirt that fit me comfortably, not overly baggy or anything, some blue denim jeans and throwback. Now just incase you don't know what a throwback is it's a flat-bill hat that baseball players and rappers wear. I was seriously caught off guard. My mouth moved on reflex 


"well sir, back in your day they still thought the planet was flat."


Corny yes but like I said reflex. I might have said something more clever but it was 7am. He shot me a dirty look and payed for his shit and left. It was a total shock factor. We have ignorant people. I sometimes forget. Ignorance is like the  disease of the mind. Its like a poison. I have friends from all walks of life; black, white, mexican, emo, jock, preps, rednecks, you name it. It's almost like I was selling them like a super market. You name it I got it. It didn't offend me I've seen it enough in my time. Just made me sad. We still have really far to go. But what can we do? I guess just be part of the solution not the problem. He saw me for what I was on the surface, and went from there. Oh well his loss. 


I refuse to let ignorance ruin my day.